Saturday, December 19, 2009

I miss you

I'm here again like clock work, thinking the same thoughts.
I may have stopped wishing years ago but the missing won't go away.
Another year.. Funny how everyone seems to just move on and here I am again. Drowning in pain and anger.
You were my best friend, the only person I trusted.
You had my heart, knew me inside out and then you left.
For the longest time I felt I was responsible, like God was punishing me for loving you too much.
Eventually I got over that but I still longed for your company.
Now all this years have past, and i've grown and I wonder how it would have been if you were here.

I miss you bro, i'll never forget you.

R.I.P

Friday, December 18, 2009

Inlove with my fling

I can now say with confidence and certainty that I did fall inlove with said Mr. Usually that would be a good thing, it is for most atleast but sadly for me that isn't the case.

See my problem is this, i got me in a what they call "casual relationship" for alot of people that's apparently normal or so they keep saying but it's different with me i seem to be incapable of doing the casual thing.., the fact that i went and got myself inlove with the dude being proof of this.

How do people do this thing? Be with someone months and not get emotionally attached? He treats me so great most of the time then he gives me nothing emotionally. I want so badly to believe that he cares even the slightest but my brain, it functions and it's telling me otherwise.

I'm not the fling type, i came in this knowing that but still did it anyway and now i'm constantly hurting wishing i could have more.

I don't even know what my next move is... Hopefully he'll say he feels the same but i'm not holding my breath.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

This is me

I feel alot more than i'd like to admit i feel. I bottle up my emotions and let them tear me up from my insides. I keep trying to teach myself to just let go but don't seem to really know how. So now everythings crumbling around me, my hate is turning to indifference my like to love and i don't know what to do with it. I keep searching some solution, something to make it all just mellow out but i can't find that thing. So now i've tried a new thing i expressed the one emotion i was most scared to admit to and i'm getting no response. I figure chances are i'll get something negative since i'm a pessimist and all but i'd much rather acknowledgment, just an i hear you and i'm not going anywhere.
I'm scared. I put myself out there. I've nowhere to run. And still all this emotions churning, burning tearing me apart.

Monday, November 2, 2009

Oh no you're not

If he's willing to cheat with you, he's gonna cheat on you. #fact

i'm a firm believer in the above and i can bet with research (i'm sure there's a bored scientist willing to) it can indeed be proven.

So the reason this has come to my mind is i bumped into an old friend today. A man that i wanted insanely to fall inlove with but he wasn't interested. He was all about the sex, he wanted it bad but i couldn't give it to him, that's not what i'm about. This whole time guy had girlfriends (he tried for abit).

Then today i meet him, that confident smile acting like he owned me. I find out he has a wife and child but he's still trying to get me to get with him. Telling me when the wifes not home.
Furious! Even with a child he can't behave?

If he's willing to cheat with you, he's gonna cheat on you. #fact

Saturday, October 31, 2009

A letter to my love

I can't do this, thought i could handle it still be with you when you obviously belong to another. You may be single in paper and in talk but in your heart i'm sure you know. Much as i've enjoyed every moment, much as i have nothing really to complain about the fact that you're not mine atleast not really means i can't be happy so i have to let you go. I need to move on.
So here's your moment, go get yourself together, take a couple of breaths tell her goodbye. I know it's hard to get over exes that's why i'm giving you time. If we are as amazing as we say, we'll pick it up when you're free to be mine, till then adios love. I'll miss you.

Monday, October 26, 2009

Frustrate me..

Today has been such a strange day. Been in a terrible mood all day now i'm overly anxious to see my little sister just her face puts me in a good mood such a doll.

Anyway, back to my bad mood. After intense soul searching and evaluation i've discovered my major cause of the anger and boiling rage. What I discovered wasn't too pleasing considering i can't really change this "factor".

So my question is how do I change me so I can handle myself appropriately during this angry moments. Considering the source is actually a permanent fixture in my life.

Sunday, October 25, 2009

YNWA!

So today my sexy 11 boyfriend did me proud. Have to admit i was thoroughly tense before the game started but the moment the whistle went and the got that ball out in the field.. Smiley face. I'm exremely excited.
The bigger joy of it all ofcourse being that we were playing manchester united, a team i like most of the sane world hate so kicking their asses.. Words can't even explain.

Go liverpool!

Hallo happy

And like the true rollercoaster ride once you been down to the bottom the only way to go is up! :)
so if you haven't guessed it already this young lady is happy. Bouncing off walls type of happiness. It's such a good day. Got up early watched cartoons while having my breakey, prepared lunch for my family which had gone to church now i'm just chilling watching my baby sister play as i watch the news :)

Funny how contradictory my days have been in comparison to each other but i'm awefully glad that little nutty sadness thing is over.

Yeah..

Saturday, October 24, 2009

Confused screams

So this is turning out to be one of those randomly emotional weekends! I hate this! I can't even tell you what is causing this sudden need to express, to vent, to scream out! Okay I lie by now we all know the main reason for this sudden burst of emotion but I know better than admit i'm weak. I know better than admit I fooled myself into thinking this little "game" we're playing is anything more than that.

I still toy with the idea. Alittle hope we could call it for something i really need. Not too sure what that is yet but i do need it...

Maybe i'll get it.. Just maybe..

Complicated

Love? Is that what I thought it was? Mad, angry.. All this emotions are way too many. Can't stand this up and down, yo-yo nonesense.
Why can't everything just make sense all the time? Human beings are a puzzle. Guess that makes me one as well, but i surely can't be that complex can I?

Sigh

Friday, October 23, 2009

Is it really love?

So here I am. Another day my heart beating fast at the thought of him. It's strange how zaney i get whenever he crosses my mind. I don't think i'm inlove though can't be..

I'm I?

Haven't really talked to him in a couple of hours and those felt like a lifetime. I'm so amused by this. I keep stopping to ask myself.. Are you 16 again? Lol! Quite fascinating how rejuvinating caring for some else is.

So no, I know i'm not inlove. Atleast not yet, but I sure hope I eventually i'm.

A choice made

I don't feel this life thing nowadays. Everyday always leads to some random moments of depressed sadness. I hate it! Especially since i'm usually a big ball of sunshine and laughs.

What is it that happened to the human race that we constantly search for perfection? Our every action aimed not at being the best we can be but at some unrealistic quest for that perfection. Giving up so much to find it not realizing we really can't achieve it. No matter how hard we try we always end up here.. Sad, dissapointed and depressed.

I'm done with that.

A choice made

I don't feel this life thing nowadays. Everyday always leads to some random moments of depressed sadness. I hate it! Especially since i'm usually a big ball of sunshine and laughs.

What is it that happened to the human race that we constantly search for perfection? Our every action aimed not at being the best we can be but at some unrealistic quest for that perfection. Giving up so much to find it not realizing we really can't achieve it. No matter how hard we try we always end up here.. Sad, dissapointed and depressed.

I'm done with that.

again, again

Been staring at the computer for the past couple of hours going through website after website looking searching so desperately for this oh so elusive jobs. i never thought it would be so hard ro get one. when you're employed everything feels so monotonous and exhausting but once you're out in the world your bank account running on empty it's easy t\and oh so clear how important this employment thing really is.
can't believe I've stayed home so long, figured in a couple of weeks I'd be back in with the rest of the working world but seems not to be the case. so i take a deep breath and and pray for the best hope this time will be the one. it's not so easy though when you have held yourself to such high standards. not easy at all when you see all the needs the family has and how helpless it makes you feel.
anyway I'll get back to my job hunting, the job won't find itself.

Saturday, October 17, 2009

Today

Woke up this morning in one of those moods. You know, mildly depressed and feeling utterly useless types.. I can find a couple of reasons why, biggest being the unemployment factor.

So who decided life should be this fixed extremely boring phases. So many years of education which i am ok with since you get to grow and learn. Problem is alot of time we really just choose courses without really knowing if they are right for us. Then we search for a job, the job.. All this steps are so rigid and don't fit everyones personalities.

I'm feeling frustrated right now. My quest for independence has been literally stopped, blocked. Feels like the berlin wall has been rebuilt, erected between me and my dreams.

Friday, September 25, 2009

Numero Uno

I'm in a bashy mood right now. Bashy meaning i feel like trash talking about a whole lot of things but since its my first blog i'll try keep it clean. Try keep it sane.

Argh.. Thats boring.. Was i the only one who found it strange that Jay Z was on Oprah? I still find it so hmm.. Did Oprah just try to rap?