I've moved.

Hi guys thanks so much for all the love over the years. Sorry for my absence, I've been playing on other social sites. Anyway, I'm just here to say that i'm officially a wordpresser. So find me there. This blog was nice but, I've changed alot over the past couple of months. Chose to follow a path I have been only half following. So I figured why not start over on a brand new website. I might be back here sometime though considering how good blogger is starting to look, but for now check me out here.
Hope to see you there. God bless. xx

Apologies

I realize my posts are extremely sporadic and that's not good at all.. To be honest though blogging doesn't excite me much plus I found other channels to get rid of my pent up anger which really leaves nothing for this place. Blog is not getting deleted but post will come when they come...

Things that go bump in the night

I constantly find myself awake at 2a.m, 3a.m reading blogs and website, tweeting or just staring at the wall (yes, I mean literally) I'd like to blame it on coffee or excess sugar and to be honest probability of them being the cause is high, but even without consumption of either of the above I still have trouble sleeping early.

I've considered jogging again thinking maybe the workout will relax me, but that's not happening again in awhile. I've tried listening to slow soothing music, but that just gets me angry at the sappiness of the lyrics or if i'm in a weird mood get's me depressed. I tried making myself really warm.. Uncomfortable and impossible to sleep. And today, I even came to bed at 8pm tonite hoping to sleep, it's 2:30a.m. That didn't work.

So now I resign to the fact that i'm norctunal. A child of the darkness - i mean that in the most non evil way possible.

Fucking pissed off!

I started to write a blog, and i got all ideas.. It was deep, intense and full of emotion. I wrote for a while, it was the longest blog i've written. When I was done, i clicked post. And there was an error went back and it was all gone! A fucking waste of my time that was! Try again? Fuck that! I'm so angry right now i almost broke the laptop. Why on earth did I even try?

Not just dreaming..

On days like this, slow with nothing much to do. Lying in my bed staring at the ceiling. It's heard not to think. Even harder not to imagine, envision a remarkable future filled with joy and all the worlds pleasures.
My mind wanders alot, I let my mind wander. I feel it would be pointless to live without a little dreaming, without my dreams I wouldn't be here and tomorrow.. Will be remarkable.

Destiny knocks too damn loud.

    I'm in a really strange mood today, i'm really happy cuz I have an opportunity to start something new and fresh, feels like the time for me to do what I've always dreamt has come (the what will be revealed when the time comes) yet on the other hand I feel this deep sadness like something has died, like I've just lost something.

    I would like to concentrate on the positive be happy that I've been here seen what I've seen and embrace the future with a big smile o my face but it's so ad to pretend that change doesn't scare me. to pretend that failure, doesn't scare me cuz it does. I face my future afraid.. who does that? Oh everyone lol!! I've kept pushing this forward for so long but now I realize you can't run away from your destiny.

   It's hilarious how you can envision something all your life but never do it not because the opportunity to doesn't arise but because you are too darn chicken to get off your you know what and make the dream a reality.

   I've decided, today to open that door, hope the grim reaper isn't on the other side.

I'm glad I wasn't your type.

    I remember when it all came tumbling down, all of the nasty emotions that churned within me. I remember wondering what went wrong, and what was wrong with me. But now i’m looking at you and I see what you really are.. I look at her and… I thank God I wasn’t your type.

Just Smile :)

I guess to many it may be just another day but if you really think about it, it's not. It's a new 24 hours of life, filled with beautiful and utterly crap moments. So what, if shit seems to be going on all around you you're ALIVE so just...

SMILE!!

Monday morning, saturday morning all mornings are shit!

I'm clearly in a shit mood today. I hate this random dark cloud hanging over my head days.

Guess i'll just stay in bed and listen to music.
Hope you guys are having a good day. *smiley face*

Bad miss good samaritan...

So yesterday on my way home, I met this kid asking for money to go home. Just a little background on me I'm not really trusting... But I have a bitch of a conscience so after some questioning and staring the kid down for a bit I decided I'd get on the bus with him then pay at-least then I'd know for sure the money was going to transport right? so I payed for his transport to the city and I'd figured when we got there I'd leave him to figure the rest out but I looked at him and imagined me all stranded in a city where no one really trusts anyone or gives a flying you know what for that matter and I just couldn't leave him there. So I payed for his next trip, keep in mind I hadn't carried enough money yesterday for all of that (plus I had done some impulse this and thats).

So yes I paid the kids fare and there I was stranded myself.. Well not exactly. Twas quite interesting knowing if I didn't have options I'd have put myself in a real fix but I felt so much better knowing I didn't leave him marooned in the big bad city.

Makes me wonder though was I helping hm for him? Or for my own peace of mind?

Body heat..

Lying in my bed tired after long day and all I can think about is how badly I need someone. I know it's totally lame, epic gayness but I do and there isn't anything I can do to change how I feel. It's crazy how it reaches a point in your life when the opposite sex becomes a need (or same sex, i don't discriminate). Why is that? Is it because society has etched it in our mind that when you a certain age you should be married with kids? Is it biologicaly part of us? Or is it just a psychological thing dependant on an individual?

I don't know what it is and honestly right now i couldn't care less. All I know is I need to cuddle, snuggle up agaist a warm human being an fall deep asleep. I doubt that it's too much to ask.

Maybe change isn't so constant

Life is a cycle, everything you give you get back. It's just the rule of the game. Wether it's love, hate, disrespect or pain doesn't take long till it's knocking at your door.

It's funny how we hurt others and complain, we are even at times ready to kill when our loved ones are hurt. What gives anyone the right to complain when they've caused the same pain? We say we want to change the world but none is ready to change themselves. What world are we changing then? It's about time we came to accept that this world is not about to change. We're all doomed to suffer not because of bad people out there but for our own sins. Our selfishness and pride.

loves fool

I want you to play
I need you to stay

I’ll sacrifice whatever
Simply for your pleasure

If it makes me your fool
Well baby, it’s cool

I can do anything
Just to have you

Let me show you
Allow me this chance

To be yours
Love you this once

rain...

Down comes the rain
Fazing out my sobs
Hiding all the pain
From weeks of missing you

There’s nothing I could do
No words left to say
I simply had to watch you walk away

Insomnic rumbles

Lying in my bed listening to heavy metal wondering where all the time went. Just the other day I was 13 acting all crazy with my brother and now it's 11years gone, i'm 24 brotherless. Sigh

Where does it go?

We plan our days, schedule events, meetings, friends and family. Yet it still isn't enough.
If you really sit and think about it. Evaluate time.. I think you'd go crazy. Really.

Renovate Me!

It's so easy to complain isn't it? Tear apart each moment of the day, picking at every little thing that went wrong.
Such an easy fete, blaming the world for our pain - my pain. Taking no responsibility for the failures and distructive paths we may have chosen along the way.

It reaches a point though, a place between falling apart and moving forward.
A little intersection.

I'm at that point, that place that intersection.

I choose wisdom,
i'm taking charge of me,
no more nonesense excuse.

What about you?

I miss you

I'm here again like clock work, thinking the same thoughts.
I may have stopped wishing years ago but the missing won't go away.
Another year.. Funny how everyone seems to just move on and here I am again. Drowning in pain and anger.
You were my best friend, the only person I trusted.
You had my heart, knew me inside out and then you left.
For the longest time I felt I was responsible, like God was punishing me for loving you too much.
Eventually I got over that but I still longed for your company.
Now all this years have past, and i've grown and I wonder how it would have been if you were here.

I miss you bro, i'll never forget you.

R.I.P

Inlove with my fling

I can now say with confidence and certainty that I did fall inlove with said Mr. Usually that would be a good thing, it is for most atleast but sadly for me that isn't the case.

See my problem is this, i got me in a what they call "casual relationship" for alot of people that's apparently normal or so they keep saying but it's different with me i seem to be incapable of doing the casual thing.., the fact that i went and got myself inlove with the dude being proof of this.

How do people do this thing? Be with someone months and not get emotionally attached? He treats me so great most of the time then he gives me nothing emotionally. I want so badly to believe that he cares even the slightest but my brain, it functions and it's telling me otherwise.

I'm not the fling type, i came in this knowing that but still did it anyway and now i'm constantly hurting wishing i could have more.

I don't even know what my next move is... Hopefully he'll say he feels the same but i'm not holding my breath.

This is me

I feel alot more than i'd like to admit i feel. I bottle up my emotions and let them tear me up from my insides. I keep trying to teach myself to just let go but don't seem to really know how. So now everythings crumbling around me, my hate is turning to indifference my like to love and i don't know what to do with it. I keep searching some solution, something to make it all just mellow out but i can't find that thing. So now i've tried a new thing i expressed the one emotion i was most scared to admit to and i'm getting no response. I figure chances are i'll get something negative since i'm a pessimist and all but i'd much rather acknowledgment, just an i hear you and i'm not going anywhere.
I'm scared. I put myself out there. I've nowhere to run. And still all this emotions churning, burning tearing me apart.

Oh no you're not

If he's willing to cheat with you, he's gonna cheat on you. #fact

i'm a firm believer in the above and i can bet with research (i'm sure there's a bored scientist willing to) it can indeed be proven.

So the reason this has come to my mind is i bumped into an old friend today. A man that i wanted insanely to fall inlove with but he wasn't interested. He was all about the sex, he wanted it bad but i couldn't give it to him, that's not what i'm about. This whole time guy had girlfriends (he tried for abit).

Then today i meet him, that confident smile acting like he owned me. I find out he has a wife and child but he's still trying to get me to get with him. Telling me when the wifes not home.
Furious! Even with a child he can't behave?

If he's willing to cheat with you, he's gonna cheat on you. #fact